Now For Something Completely Different...
I’m having an affair.
I’ve been married for twelve years. And happily I might add.
What I did was bred from necessity.
It happened one night around 8:30 PM. And what we do in the dark, we don’t want exposed by the light.. But once you’ve done something over and over again without getting caught, the deed becomes easier, and the guilt strays.
I was in my car returning from the grocery store. In the plastic bags on the seat beside me was an assortment of items six months prior I would have never thought about digesting. There were ingredients for making chick pea and hummus soup. I don’t even know what the hell hummus is. Free-range farm-fresh eggs. As if these handpicked hens could poop better eggs than the ones on the south side of the farm. Lastly, a tube of meatless turkey. Can you imagine? Turkey with no meat. Meatless. A complete contradiction in terms. And in a tube, for crap’s sake. Meatless meat in a tube. All of the items a result of my wife’s new health kick. And she was dragging me with her, kicking and screaming.
I drove around town awhile, listening to a CD, taking the perimeter home instead of a straight shot through. That’s when I saw her, like a beacon in the night.
She was golden and glorious, and stood twelve feet tall. She was whispering my name. I just answered the call. My heart pounding like a drum. Tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump.
She said, drive forward, pull around. I never felt so hungry. I never felt so alive. I was greeted with a smile.
“What do you want?” she asked. I gave her my request.
“Can I interest you in something more?” she cooed.
“No,” I said. I shouldn’t have come here. “Just give me what I ordered.”
I handed her a five. It was the moment of truth. I should have driven off.
But sometimes life is built on a string of shoulda’s. Line them all up, and you have something to be quite proud of, or disgusted with. Depends on your persective. Like the glass is half full, half empty thing. I’ve never understood that. I don’t fill glasses with water anyway. I drink straight from the faucet, my head bent over the sink like a dog lapping at the water.
She came back. The pleasure of taste and smell were too much. I found somewhere to park, behind an alley. A perfect place for a crime such as this. I reached over, tore off her clothing, like yellow paper, tossed it aside, and brought her up to my mouth, watering like a flood. I took my first bite. Like Eve with the apple of despair.
But my apple was a quarter-pounder with cheese.
Yes. I was having an affair with a hamburger.
I’ve been married for twelve years. And happily I might add.
What I did was bred from necessity.
It happened one night around 8:30 PM. And what we do in the dark, we don’t want exposed by the light.. But once you’ve done something over and over again without getting caught, the deed becomes easier, and the guilt strays.
I was in my car returning from the grocery store. In the plastic bags on the seat beside me was an assortment of items six months prior I would have never thought about digesting. There were ingredients for making chick pea and hummus soup. I don’t even know what the hell hummus is. Free-range farm-fresh eggs. As if these handpicked hens could poop better eggs than the ones on the south side of the farm. Lastly, a tube of meatless turkey. Can you imagine? Turkey with no meat. Meatless. A complete contradiction in terms. And in a tube, for crap’s sake. Meatless meat in a tube. All of the items a result of my wife’s new health kick. And she was dragging me with her, kicking and screaming.
I drove around town awhile, listening to a CD, taking the perimeter home instead of a straight shot through. That’s when I saw her, like a beacon in the night.
She was golden and glorious, and stood twelve feet tall. She was whispering my name. I just answered the call. My heart pounding like a drum. Tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump.
She said, drive forward, pull around. I never felt so hungry. I never felt so alive. I was greeted with a smile.
“What do you want?” she asked. I gave her my request.
“Can I interest you in something more?” she cooed.
“No,” I said. I shouldn’t have come here. “Just give me what I ordered.”
I handed her a five. It was the moment of truth. I should have driven off.
But sometimes life is built on a string of shoulda’s. Line them all up, and you have something to be quite proud of, or disgusted with. Depends on your persective. Like the glass is half full, half empty thing. I’ve never understood that. I don’t fill glasses with water anyway. I drink straight from the faucet, my head bent over the sink like a dog lapping at the water.
She came back. The pleasure of taste and smell were too much. I found somewhere to park, behind an alley. A perfect place for a crime such as this. I reached over, tore off her clothing, like yellow paper, tossed it aside, and brought her up to my mouth, watering like a flood. I took my first bite. Like Eve with the apple of despair.
But my apple was a quarter-pounder with cheese.
Yes. I was having an affair with a hamburger.
posted by Ima Poemer at 8:28 PM
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